Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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