i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
