In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
