If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
