Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
