dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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