Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
