you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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