I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
