ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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