Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have tasted many bathrooms
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
