the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
