I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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