The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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