Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
