I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
