on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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