your parents love me but you hate me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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