I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize