I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
