I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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