You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
i think my tv is drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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