I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
