i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
