Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
