I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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