my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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