I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
