Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
