I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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