just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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