Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
