so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
