when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
