well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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