The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
this hospital has no fireball
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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