if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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