I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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