Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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