dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
