The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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