Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
