her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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