i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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