The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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