I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
