How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
