the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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