I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
