It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
