So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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