I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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