i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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