I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
