ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
