He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
