I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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