I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
