Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
