i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
