I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
