Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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