legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
