he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
